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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

At the moment,

I spend my days waiting for the end. I wake up and think “just college today, then home…” and i wait out my college day until i can go home, when i get home i wait out the time until everyone goes to bed, then i wait out the time until my brain shuts off and i have to start it all again. My mind is both constantly running, and never running at the same time, and i’m still trying to work out how that can be. I feel physically exhausted from all the thoughts in my head and the stress ive had put on me these past few days, and at the same time i feel empty and bored and if it makes sense, overwhelmed by the nothingness i have to do. On Thursday, i felt awful. The slightest things that day brought me to tears and there were times i had to pause my music and turn around to make sure my friends were still there. I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes when i’m in these sort of spells, i have to like, know my surroundings. If i’m crying, i need to grab things to like make sure they’re there. I don’t know, makes sense to me. All of that day i felt like there wasn’t enough air, like i was all closed up and hot and trapped, and i wish i knew how to sort myself out. Simultaneously, i made extra sure to care for the people around me, waited with my friend and her daughter at the bus stop, messaged people and talked to them about things that were bothering them, i don’t know, i guess it makes me feel useful to help other people out, like i have a purpose other than the nothing else i’d done. Today, went really well actually, i was excited about something coming up and I’d pulled myself together after the past few days. I was in a really good mood earlier and was talking to people about how much i loved how much my skin looked. I felt good. I liked the way i looked for the first time in a while. And then all of it went, one thing led to another and i ended up crying and crying, almost making myself sick and here i am at almost two in the morning because i am wide awake yet again, waiting to go to sleep. I can’t do it anymore, i lead such an eventful and simulateously uneventful life at the same time and i hate it. I want it to end. My life. But i don’t want to end. I just want this life to end and to start another one. And that isn’t possible. I just don’t know what to do anymore, im tired of being happy to being sad all the time, i want it all to stop, i just want to be a regular person like everyone else. I don’t want to be the sort of person who cries and does all of this shit, i want friends i can rely on and a family i can talk to. i want to be able to do shit and not worry about what others think or how it will affect them. Im just done. Done with all this.

“Too young”

Three years ago, i was obsessed with a boy. I was thirteen, fourteen and experiencing my first romantic love. I used to talk to him from the minute i got home from school until the minute i went to bed. We used to do things like have our first hug in the corridor and then gush about it to eachother later when we were texting. We used to just stand around at lunch talking to eachother and making jokes and laughing at eachother all the time. We were odd, we sat next to eachother in lessons and laughed about the most unthinkable load of bollocks youd ever heard of. We used to make cringey ass nicknames for eachother and write them on our schoolbooks and our hands and, anything really.

A little while after, i was introduced to my first heartbreak. A ‘highschool sweetheart’ relationship turned quickly into an abusive relationship. Full of confusion, self harm and disappointment, realising that it affects more than just your love life and constant crying.

After that i came across a new love. I like to say, the strongest love I’ve had. He was different. A new set of eyes to fall in love with, a new set of hands to hold, a new scent to get used to, a new taste on his lips and a new mindset for me caused a lot of change. And once that had also run its cause and made its way directly out of my life, i had decided that heartbreak was the worst thing i had ever felt.

To be told that “you don’t know what love is” or “youre too young” by someone is both common, and cruel. My mum has said this to me many times and i have no trouble in shouting back to her that she is wrong. Older people often have kids with their partner, are married, live together and whatnot, but does that change the abstract noun idea of love? Are you ever 'too young’ to feel something? Or do you just feel it in a different way?

I refuse to believe that what i have felt for certain people is any different to what old married couples feel. I think that the idea of 'love’ is always the same thing, whether matured or new, wearing out or going strong. I think 'love’ is a thing. Just like happiness. Are you ever too young to feel happiness? Or too old? The same with sadness. Have you ever been told “you don’t know what sadness is”? I was once told that i was “too young” to be contemplating the idea of suicide and it set me off on one. I ranted and ranted my case to the person until i felt as though i had made my point clear.

I understand the whole legal thing about being too young to have sex. And the moral things about children being too young to share a bed or like, go out after 11pm, that sort of thing. But too young to have a feeling i hope you agree is ridiculous. Babies feel love. Babies love their parents, siblings, other babies. In a different manner, sure. They’re not about to be experiencing heartbreak any time soon or be ready to tie the knot. But do they feel love? Let me tell you something. Ever seen a baby giggle? Are they feeling happiness? Of course not. They’re too young. Ever seen a baby watch their parent walk out of the room? Are they feeling sadness? Of course not! They’re too young!

See, silly isn’t it?

People need to stop having this fake idea that you can’t feel something because of your age. It’s a childish way of telling people that their feelings don’t matter or giving them the idea that they aren’t allowed to feel the way they feel. People need to stop thriving off of the fact that they think they are superior than others because they have 'felt things more deeply’ and instead listen to what people have to say.

rant