At the moment,

I spend my days waiting for the end. I wake up and think “just college today, then home…” and i wait out my college day until i can go home, when i get home i wait out the time until everyone goes to bed, then i wait out the time until my brain shuts off and i have to start it all again. My mind is both constantly running, and never running at the same time, and i’m still trying to work out how that can be. I feel physically exhausted from all the thoughts in my head and the stress ive had put on me these past few days, and at the same time i feel empty and bored and if it makes sense, overwhelmed by the nothingness i have to do. On Thursday, i felt awful. The slightest things that day brought me to tears and there were times i had to pause my music and turn around to make sure my friends were still there. I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes when i’m in these sort of spells, i have to like, know my surroundings. If i’m crying, i need to grab things to like make sure they’re there. I don’t know, makes sense to me. All of that day i felt like there wasn’t enough air, like i was all closed up and hot and trapped, and i wish i knew how to sort myself out. Simultaneously, i made extra sure to care for the people around me, waited with my friend and her daughter at the bus stop, messaged people and talked to them about things that were bothering them, i don’t know, i guess it makes me feel useful to help other people out, like i have a purpose other than the nothing else i’d done. Today, went really well actually, i was excited about something coming up and I’d pulled myself together after the past few days. I was in a really good mood earlier and was talking to people about how much i loved how much my skin looked. I felt good. I liked the way i looked for the first time in a while. And then all of it went, one thing led to another and i ended up crying and crying, almost making myself sick and here i am at almost two in the morning because i am wide awake yet again, waiting to go to sleep. I can’t do it anymore, i lead such an eventful and simulateously uneventful life at the same time and i hate it. I want it to end. My life. But i don’t want to end. I just want this life to end and to start another one. And that isn’t possible. I just don’t know what to do anymore, im tired of being happy to being sad all the time, i want it all to stop, i just want to be a regular person like everyone else. I don’t want to be the sort of person who cries and does all of this shit, i want friends i can rely on and a family i can talk to. i want to be able to do shit and not worry about what others think or how it will affect them. Im just done. Done with all this.